Ahhh. Back to school!

Tons of supplies purchased and child number two says he needs none for after all they will be 1:1 computing. Fine. They are there if you need them. Child three is thrilled and can't wait to use his gel pens ( please Dear God let his teachers appreciate his quirks and love him as we do) and his erasable pens. Child number one- we move into college dorm on Friday. Said he- " I might be able to help you pack my clothes Monday or Tuesday". All I want is a little more time with him eve if it is folding his underwear. Life for us will never be the same. I can only pray we did okay and that they will all do what they are meant to do, ask us for help when needed, know we love hem unconditionally, and be safe. I hope I can handle these changes as we go back to school.

Food

Why does food have to be so emotional? To be able to just eat and enjoy something or eat because one is hungry is a concept I know nothing about. Eating equals full which equals fat. Eating also means stomach aches and discomfort. It is such a sordid love affair with food. One that has no answer and one that will always just be painful and compliacted.

parenting

Trying today to be upbeat,happy, a better parent...a better spouse???? That last part is hard. I feel like I am trying yet we are so far a part. But I am definitely focusing on my children. Getting them ready for school, spending time really listening to them and hearing them. I have worked all summer with little to no break. Where is the line at which I say no more? I do not know how to put my family first especially when so much is at stake...career and the need for extra income. so frustrating to to feel unable to balance it all. Kids all seem happy to today which is good. there are many changes ahead in the next few weeks and I hope that we can all find our own ways through them and our way as a family. For me, the control of the situations must be focused and steady. Control is key. I will control something. Husband does all of the cooking and laundry. that is a blessing. that throws me over the edge. the rest if in my court. kids, bills, work, work, work, family, extended family, money, self loathing and guilt. Does every one feel this way?

changes

So, many changes have occurred this summer. A good friend came back into my life and a best friend left ny life. That relationship was such an important one- almost vital to my existence that to not have it has been like mourning the death of someone close. The tragic loss of this relationship triggered the unimaginable- the extreme control that has always existed but but been resting deep below the surface for so long. I want to disappear- to shrink away and go unnoticed. I know how to do that. To blend. Work hard. Work harder. Hyper focus. Starve- no longer to n ebeautiful but for control an dto disappear. What will it be like? To lost again...

Melt Downs vs. Anxiety Attacks???

Our psychologist wants me to document these times when J is either "melting down" or having a "panic attack". Often difficult to do as I am doing one or the other or both myself. Truly, it is a difficult task because a melt down often leads to anxiety that is true and genuine. A meltdown might start as oppostion but that opposition is triggered by fear or anxiety that which even the child does not know the cause. So we discipline, we take away DS or he loses the dollar he was trying to earn (we have only been up for half an hour) but soon, this becomes more of fully on panic. Panic of what? School? Accidents? Separation from me? All of the what ifs that are going through his mind?  Tuesday he lost his dollar because he was ugly. He aggressive and said NO. He would not brush his teeth. He did not seem anxious. The rest of the week has been anxious, tearful, and heartbreaking but he made it and went to school each day earning his dollar.